Movies You Shouldn't See: Meet the Spartans (2008)

Meet the Spartans was once called Epic Movie 2. They cleverly disguised this film as Meet the Spartans because the writers were so ashamed of having written such an awful movie. The disguise didn't work. Meet the Spartans is just another awful spoof. Again, the first few times it was funny, but it has lost its charm.

Meet the Spartans is a spoof of 300, Transformers, Stomp the Yard, Grand Theft Auto, Ugly Betty, American Idol, and all other American entertainment things. It provides an even less funny outlook on action movies than ever before. Carmen Electra has been cast in a leading role if that tells you enough.

Although this may be a horrible movie, it has been a bit overcriticized. I would like to say that the Dane Cook impression was actually funny, but the rest of the movie just seems to weight it down. Come on. You made fun of Nicole Richie by making her look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not funny!

What else is there to say about the movie? I have already criticized the awful nature of this movie enough for your likings. 300 is now not as good as it was the first time. Poor Carmen Electra. Why did you take their offer? I am not even going to go into how stupid the American Idol bashing is. For shame, Aaron Seltzer and your other six or however many writers, for shame!

Movies You Shouldn't See: Saw II (2005)

The first Saw was good, why ruin it with a sequel? Well, they did with four more (a sixth is in the making). I guess the writers decided they could just miss an NC-17 rating several more times. Saw II seems so familiar...in a bad way. Though the story has a few good twists, the bloody traps don't hold my attention as long as they should.

This time, Jigsaw is back to his perverted ways. He locks a bunch of criminals in a broken down house, but then again, why would they ever make the conditions clean? Anyway, they have to go through a series of traps in a certain amount of time in order to make it out alive without breathing in too much nerve gas. Did I mention that there's blood?

As the Saw series seems to indicate, violence is something people like to see. I never did understand why, but this movie should be no exception. One trap involves a man looking through a keyhole. When he pulls the door a little, a shotgun goes off and blows his brains out. Isn't it great that this is what our children are watching?

Other than the sadism, the movie also has godawful acting. Honestly, I would consider closing down the colleges where the actors in this went to. Every actor gives a tour de farce performance. You could have at least made an attempt to look like you were scared!

The Saw series does never end. Even after Jigsaw (SPOILERS) dies (END SPOILERS) in the third one, the series still isn't over. The second is a lead up to the even worse third one and it just seems to just go downhill from there. I'll admit, watching them once in a while with friends isn't a bad experience. Still, if you are alone and considering watching this, don't.

Movies You Shouldn't See: The Last House on the Left (1972)

Cult classic my ass. Wes Craven's trashy first movie is honestly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The Last House on the Left may be loved by many, but really, it is just a frenzy of violence and disgust. Craven has better movies. Why is this one of people's favorites?

The Last House on the Left is just gross. It is the supposedly true story of a teenage girl who meets up with a friend. On the way to a rock concert, the meet some seemingly friendly drug dealers. They kidnap the girls and both end up dead (one is raped). The drug dealers, looking for shelter during a storm, end up at the girl's parents' house. The film just gets even more nonsensical from there.

The bad acting and direction are understandable. To call Craven out for those two things is not even fair. It was his first movie. I can't be that hard on this movie. I mean, it was quite a feat to show violence that couldn't be shown in theaters. Then again, it is just unforgivably bad.

The problem I have with this film is that it is just absolutely absurd and distasteful. The rape scene isn't even artistic, it just is exactly what it is. The difference between the brutality of this and the brutality of Irreversible is that it isn't even close to artful. Craven learned from his mistakes, thank god, but this is for some reason famous.

The Last House on the Left is finally being remade. Though the trailer doesn't look any better than the original, I fully support it because this is an example of a film that actually needs to be remade. With A Nightmare on Elm Street, Wes Craven redeemed himself. Of course, this is a first film so I wasn't expecting anything good, but I wasn't expecting anything this bad either! Again, cult classic my ass.

Movies You Shouldn't See: Mamma Mia! (2008)

It's too bad this film is bad because it looked really good. Unfortunately, the star studded cast wasn't even close to enough. Some of Mamma Mia's scenes were fun, but some were just energetic and boring. I will commend the film for Amanda Seyfried, but I will not commend it for making the musical into something much worse than it deserves.

Personally, I can't understand why you would make a movie anyway, but...there's Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), a girl who isn't sure which one of her mother's (Meryl Streep) three bedmates is her father. She then decides to invite the fathers (Pierce Brosnan, Stellan Skarsgard, and Colin Firth) to her wedding. Definitely Maybe, anyone?

The casting for the movie is very spotty. It ranges from Seyfried who is the upcoming big actress of 2009 to Pierce Brosnan who should never sing. When he opens his mouth to sing, it makes me want to scream. They could have at least done what West Side Story did and dub his voice! Meryl Streep is so so, but it is hard to believe she had operatic training.

The biggest problem I have is that the movie is overly peppy and somewhat exhausting to even watch. You watch one musical number and you're just tired from watching it. All the women are all just so peppy to the point where it is annoying. The guys are barely in half the movie, but when they are it is just disastrous.

Mamma Mia is a blockbuster, but I honestly don't know why. Maybe because it has ABBA music in it, but I'm not sure. Surely one of the worst letdowns of last year, Mamma Mia makes me want to just hit one of those overly energized women in the movie who randomly break out into song. Believe me, I don't care about that usually, but it just doesn't make sense!

Movies You Shouldn't See: Step Brothers (2008)

Well, when I saw the Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly collaboration, I wasn't thrilled. Then again, Walk Hard wasn't too bad and neither was Anchorman. Only differnce between Step Brothers and those two is that this one is awful. Step Brothers is a disjointed mess that follows no plot whatsoever and doesn't even attempt to. Its type of humor is so strange that I don't even think it for anyone, not even a die hard Will Ferrell fan.

The stupid storyline follows Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly who are united as step brothers when their parents marry. They hate each other at first (of course) and are both 40. After only 10 minutes, they decide they need a job. The plot changes just about every 10 minutes so it is pretty free form.

I think the thing I hated the most about this R-rated comedy was that it made no sense! Comedies are for people who are not as intellectual as somebody who would see foreign French movies. So if I don't have the mental capacity to understand the random time jumps (until the very end in which the writers decided to give a title card), then who can? That is a question I cannot answer.

The other thing I REALLY hated about this movie was how crude it was. I understand that comedies were meant to be crude, but not this much. There is a scene where Will Ferell places his testicles, which are so obviously fake, onto a drum set. Not only this, but the camera lingers on it hoping to squeeze a laugh out. Well, the only thing the squeezed out was a disgusted face.

If you like crude and odd movies, this is one for you. If you have a hope of seeing a good comedy, this is NOT a movie for you or anybody else. It seems like Ferrell has lost his funny and Reilly could do so much better. What agent chose this movie for them? The answer would be a very bad one.

Movies You Shouldn't See: Superhero Movie (2008)

Don't ask how, but this didn't go direct to DVD. Yes, Superhero Movie is another one of those movies--those stupid parody ones. Disaster Movie and Superhero Movie in the same year. A tragedy. I'm crying on the inside as to what Hollywood has become.

If you actually care, you can read the summary here. Rick Riker (Drake Bell) is a student who is bit by a radioactive dragonfly on a school trip. When he discovers he has the ability to fly, things suddenly change and he begins to realize he can have his love interest, Jill, the girl next door.

Though a movie spoofing superhero movies seems like it would be funny, it is quite the opposite. Risque humor and comic violence don't make everything funny, people! Believe me, this has good intentions, but it doesn't quite make the cut. The best of its kind recently (which isn't saying much) does not even squeeze a chuckle out of me.

Well, you were probably wondering how I came across this rubbish. So, I was on a plane to Europe, but I was having trouble sleeping. I didn't want to watch something that demanded very much attention so I selected this. It did the trick. I fell back asleep after 20 minutes. I later finished the film (What? There was nothing better do!) and was rather disappointed.

Superhero Movie will be laughed at for how bad it is eventually. It tries to be funny but clearly fails, epically. Nobody ever said you had to step past Scary Movie, but the producers did and continue to. Why? Well, to be honest, nobody knows. These aren't even bringing money. Somebody needs to make a movie called Movie Movie already!

Movies You Shouldn't See: Norbit (2007)

"Have you ever made a really big mistake?" reads the poster. Yes, yes, I have--by watching this movie. If you allow yourself to judge a book by its cover, you would never waste your time with this. I saw it by accident on HBO, so don't misjudge me, but Norbit is really really really bad.

This complete trash is about a man who is engaged to a woman of monstrous proportions. The man is played by Eddie Murphy, and so is the woman, and another character. This I must commend the movie for along with the makeup. Then the man, Norbit, finally meets the woman of his dreams (Thandie Newton).

The biggest problem with Norbit is that it isn't funny at all. Although some people will insist that every comedy has one funny joke, this has just broken the pattern. I'm sorry, but I didn't even laugh once during the whole movie. I was nearly bored to tears.

Norbit is the worst film to ever be nominated for an Oscar. Yes, that's right it was nominated for an Oscar. Even though I criticize this, it did deservingly get nominated for the award for makeup. It's not easy to make Eddie Murphy look completely different three times. I have to say, the makeup is excellent.

Don't see Norbit and expect to laugh. It is complete rubbish and should not be viewed by anyone's eyes. This is one of the worst movies I know of. Stay away!

Movies You Shouldn't See: I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

I know what killed my desire to ever see movies again! Well, not actually, but it came pretty close. I Know Who Killed Me is a terrible title and an even worse movie. It is just terrible in every single way imaginable. In all honesty, I have undying hate for this movie.

So, I was hoping you wouldn't see the movie, but I'll give you a summary anyway. It's about a stupid little girl named Aubrey Fleming played by the infamous Lindsay Lohan. Aubrey is abducted and sadistically tortured and comes back missing a leg. Yet, when she comes back she thinks she is somebody else-a stripper. Go ahead. Laugh at Lindsay Lohan without a leg as a stripper.

There isn't very much to say about this film because it is absolutely terrible. I think this film probably was a bad choice for Lohan. Her acting career is already plummeting. Was this really necessary for her? I have to criticize her and everybody else's performances in this because they are just completely amateurish. No, I was not expecting anything Oscar worthy, but it would have been nice to see some decent acting.

This film is one to be avoided at all costs. It won eight razzies. Does that give you an idea of how bad it is? This is just utter trash. I name this the worst film in all of movie history. Lindsay Lohan, you've really outdone yourself.

Movies You Shouldn't See: Date Movie (2006)

It seems that funny movies that end with "movie" are all the craze these days. Actually they're not funny at all. Stick with the Scary Movie series. This is nothing special here; it's just a big piece of crap. It's amazing that the 2 of the 6 writers can retain their dignity after this!

Date Movie is a horrible spoof of all romance movies. It spoofs a lot of them, but mostly My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It is about a man searching for the perfect woman. He finds her, but her parents don't exactly like him or any man she dates very much.

Some of the humor in this movie is just trash. In a spoof "The Bachelor", our main character disqualifies contestants, but when they are disqualified, they are shot. It doesn't get much more lowbrow than this folks. There's also some just flat out crude humor scenes that I won't even get into.

The film is not a complete trainwreck until half way in. The first half isn't terrible, but it's still mediocre. The second half, on the other hand, is just terrible. It makes it one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Date Movie brings something new to the table-a new, terrible genre of cinema. The only funny part is in the first five minutes and it's a chuckle not a laugh. It just isn't a good movie. I couldn't be more plain and simple about it.

Movies You Shouldn't See: P2 (2007)

P2 is just another cliche ridden, Hollywood manufactured piece of crap. It's the type of movie that screams "Gimme money!", but it's not earning any. Why does Hollywood continue to manufacture these little turds? It's still a mystery.

The plot of P2 could never be more simple. A woman (Rachel Nicholson), who is possibly the least likeable character ever, gets stuck at her job on Christmas Eve when a parking attendant (Wes Bentley who has quite honestly seen better days) kidnaps her and keeps her in the security office. The characters and story is very black and white; it's way too simple for any audience.

P2 is the kind of movie that didn't need to be gory, but is anyway. Although Alexandre Aja produced the film possibly contributing to the level of blood, it still was unecessary. Aja clearly demonstrated in High Tension that he could use blood to his advantage, but here, not so much. A guy gets hit by a car so hard that his guts completely spill out of him. Gross and not plot essential at all. Our main character reaches for her cellphone and loses her nail in the process. Idiotic and senseless.

The movie moves and an extremely slow pace. This is a mainstream horror film so you would think it would be very fast because the audience can't handle a slow pace. Well, it isn't that way. Nothing happens for a long half hour and the movie is only an hour and half. What gives?

P2 is one of those movies you see once and vow never to see again. I came, I saw, I slept, I laughed. The poster may claim to reach "a new level of fear", but I think I just discovered a new level of boredom.

Movies You Shouldn't See: W. (2008)

I guess W. didn't exactly win my vote. This is it. Oliver Stone has finally made a less than stellar movie. W. is not a terrible movie, but it sure is not good enough to fill out all two hours and ten minutes that it takes up.

W. is the story of George W. Bush, played beautifull by Josh Brolin in what should be an Oscar nominated (but not winning) performance. His friends and his political exploits are explored by Oliver Stone. Laura Bush is played by Elizabeth Banks in a stale, but passable performance. Ellen Burstyn plays Bush's mother well, Thandie Newton does an excellent job as Condeleeza Rice, and Richard Dreyfuss is spectacular as Dick Cheney. The other performances, not so much.

To start off, the film is rated PG-13. What kind of Oliver Stone movie is rated PG-13? What contributed to this was a lot of appropriate language where f-words could have been substituted and the forgotten tale of Bush's cocaine addiction.

Also contributing to the film's rating is Stone's lack of risk. For example, one of the few great scenes in the film is Bush fighting his father in the Oval Office in a nightmare. The scene may be edgy and brilliant, but the rest of the movie is far from it. Stone has clearly toned down the subject matter in his worst attempt at satire ever.

W. reads like a long, boring Saturday Night Live skit. It can't hold my attention for the full movie, but the trailer is worth watching. Some good acting and direction, but the film is not edgy enough for the man in the director's chair.

Movies You Shouldn't See: Hostel (2005)

Look at the poster. It doesn't get more generic than this. Hostel is a crapshoot, cliche horror movie that does not actually include a single moment of horror. It is the story of two stupid men who let their body below their waist control them when they go to Amsterdam. Things go awry when a seemingly perfect hostel (with topless women) is actually a trap for tourists to kill other tourists. This is why you don't stay in shady places in Europe!

Hostel is among the worst movies I have ever seen for this reason: each scene is either sexual of graphically violent. The first half of the movie is sex scenes compiled in an order to loosely have a plot, but then it fades into violence. Viewers will sure be grossed out by the numerous limbs or other appendages cut off in this film.

The poster boasts Quentin Tarantino as a director, yet Eli Roth actually directed it. They are using Tarantino's name as a poor reason to justify it's violence. Doesn't it disturb you at all that the violence comes dangerously close to a NC-17 rating (but isn't) and Requiem for a Dream actually is? Weird.

To call the Hostel the "scariest American movie in a decade" is a cinematic crime. Nuff said. By the way, it has a sequel. Only another two hours of violence, but this time there's a castration scene.

Movies You Shouldn't See: Shortbus (2006)

Let's just face it. Shortbus is a full length, artful porn film. Even though it has cinematical value, there is just way too many sex scenes! The plot and movie are meant to be groundbreaking, but it is almost a failure.

Shortbus is about a sex therapist named Sofia (played by Soo-Yin Lee). Sofia is possibly the most ironic character to be seen on film. Why? Because she can't achieve an orgasm. Big whoop. Aside from her, the film also follows a gay couple on the verge of a breakup, a dominatrix, and Sofia's boyfriend. All the characters' stories eventually collide at a club called Shortbus where they experience a sexual awakening.

The thing that draws many people to this film is its long and overwraught sex scenes. Well, I should probably warn you that there is not a scene of simulated sex in this film. Egad! The autofellatio, the masturbation, the gay anal sex. It's all real. Whoever came up with this idea failed. Epically. The sex scenes aren't even erotic.

Be it not for John Cameron Mitchell's direction in non-sex scenes (which there are very few of) and Soo-Yin Lee's performance, the film just falls flat on its face. A porn could be better than this movie, only there is no direction from Mitchell in it. There are better sex movies around that aren't porn, and this just isn't one of them.

Movies You Shouldn't See: House of Wax (2005)

Tuesdays will now be devoted to telling what movies not to see.

There have been many horror movies released in the past few years that are terrible. House of Wax is among the worst. The constant complaints about gore and bad acting are a common stereotype and this film just proves it. Why you would want to make a remake of the classic, I'm not quite sure, but some stupid writer decided they could make my life miserable for two full hours.

House of Wax is a remake of the actually good 1953 Vincent Price film. It is about a group of six twenty somethings who decide to visit an empty wax figure museum. Maybe they should have learned a lesson or two from Scream. Anyway, there are two evil brothers who lurk in the museum waiting to kill them and turn them into wax figures.

The stupidity of this film is immense, but I guess when you boast a cast that includes Paris Hilton its bound to be that way. Let me perform a quick anatomy of a scene for you: There's a scene where Paris Hilton and the boy she is about to have sex with are attacked in the middle of the night. The boyfriend is stabbed because he is black and he obviously didn't stand a chance in a horror movie (which is another poor stereotype). Paris Hilton's idiocracy gets the better of her and she run into the museum where she is stabbed in the foot through a metal grate that she is running around on. The scene comes to an end where she hide behind a car from the brother who is holding a pole. She peeps up and the brother throw the pole and it goes through her head. I don't think I've ever laughed harder. The pole wasn't even sharp!

If I haven't convinced you not to see this just from that description above, I don't know what will. There are many bad horror movies that ooze gore and dumb people and this is just one of them. Whoever did casting needs to be fired and Hollywood should rethink remakes of once good horror movies. They lose their scariness when severed heads talk. That's just not alright.